Giggling Emails.com

February 10, 2011

Husband Store

Filed under: Uncategorized — @ 2:42 am

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 – These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 – These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

‘That’s nice,’ she thinks, ‘but I want more.’

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

‘Wow,’ she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

‘Oh, mercy me!’ she exclaims, ‘I can hardly stand it!’

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 – You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. (scroll and keep reading!)

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store’s owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

T he second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

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June 15, 2009

Then… In Walks The Dog… Priceless.

Filed under: Uncategorized — @ 5:59 am

Dinner party for 8   $250 …

Wine for guests   $80…

Your parents are there,

Your in-laws are there,

Your boss and his

wife are there,

The minister and his wife are there,
You’re all settling down for a nice relaxing
evening dinner ,

Then

In

Walks

The

Dog….

 
……

 
…….

 
…..

 
PRICELESS!
 
 Dog With Dildo In Mouth
  
 
…..For everything else there’s MasterCard

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May 6, 2009

Cowboy In A Gay Bar

Filed under: Funny Emails — Tags: , , — @ 1:15 am

A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it’s a gay bar.
But what the heck, he says to himself, ‘I can really use a drink.’ When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, ‘What’s the name of your wee-wee?’ The cowboy says, ‘Look, I’m not into any of that, all I want is a drink.’

The gay waiter says, ‘I’m sorry but I can’t serve you until you tell me The name of your wee-wee.  Mine for instance is called Nike, for the Slogan ‘Just Do It,’ and that guy down at the end of the bar calls his ‘Snickers’ because it really ‘Satisfies.’ The cowboy looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over.

So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a Beer, ‘Hey bud, what’s the name of yours?’ The man looks back and says With a smile ‘Timex,’ and the thirsty cowboy asks, ‘Why Timex?’ The Fella proudly replies, ‘Causeit takes a lickin’ and keeps on tickin!’ A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fellas on his right, who happen to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, ‘So, what do you guys call yours?’ The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, ‘FORD, because Quality is Job One.’ Then he adds, ‘Have you drivena Ford lately?’ The guy next to him then says, ‘I call mine CHEVY, ‘Like A Rock.” and gives a wink.

Even more shaken the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes Up with a name..  He exclaims, ‘The name of my wee-wee is ‘SECRET.’ Now Give me a dang beer.’ The bartender begins to pour the Cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asked, ‘Why Secret?’ The cowboy says: ‘Because it’s STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!!!’

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March 2, 2009

I Love This Doctor

Filed under: Funny Emails — @ 11:30 pm

Q: Doctor, I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that’s it… don’t waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain…Good!

Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU’RE NOT LISTENING!!! …. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It’s the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! ‘Round’ is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
‘Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways – Chardonnay in one hand – chocolate in the other – body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming ‘WOO HOO, What a Ride’

AND…..

For those of you who watch what you eat, here’s the final word on nutrition and health. It’s a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

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February 28, 2009

Where did you have sex?

Filed under: Uncategorized — @ 7:38 am

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To Be Six Again

Filed under: Funny Emails — Tags: , — @ 5:12 am
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she’d like to have for her birthday.

“I’d like to be six again,” she replied, still looking
in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early,made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day!

He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a McDonald’s where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite

candy, M&M’s. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, “Well Dear, what was it like being six again?”

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

“I meant my dress size, you idiot!!!!”

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

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November 13, 2008

Best Las Vegas Ad Ever!

Filed under: Funny Pictures — Tags: , , — @ 8:59 pm

What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.  Right?

What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.

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November 8, 2008

The Jet Ski That Won’t Sink

Filed under: Funny Pictures — Tags: , , — @ 1:29 pm

There are no words to describe this! But ya have to laugh at the fact that the jet ski is still on TOP of the water.

Gives new meaning to the term low rider at high tide and full moon.

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November 7, 2008

Daddy Ate My Fingers

I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said,”Daddy, look at this”, and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, “Daddy’s gonna eat your fingers,” pretending to eat them.

I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, “What’s wrong, honey?”

She replied, “What happened to my booger?”

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Ronald McDonald Arrested for Trespassing

Filed under: Funny Pictures — Tags: , , — @ 1:06 am

I never thought I’d see the day.  Say it ain’t so Mr. Ronald McDonald.  Say it ain’t so!

Ronald McDonald Arrested

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